The pain physician

At twenty-one:

unadulterated, emotional pain is a repugnant cuisine I have very much unwillingly consumed.

This kind of pain has a standstill effect on you. Once settled, it re-acquaints you with your every breath. Your heart becomes a ticking bomb against your chest. The ground beneath your soles suddenly gives and every step forward is a fickle attempt not to spill over your body. It leaves you with a lingering awareness of yourself but chokes you with the detachment from not belonging. Read more

Owe it to the twenty-year-old.

Twenty year old me didn’t expect to lose me, but she did.

She knew a lot about keeping things safe but what she didn’t know was this: protecting something meant you kept it locked in your heart and you threw away the key. So it’s clear she didn’t truly love me anyway. She lay me on her chest during her nightly talks with God and didn’t really understand what it meant to hold fast to what was dear.

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My teddy bear goes by the name of Hansuke.

It’s derived from two Japanese words,

Han – Companion
Suke – Help

Together, Hansuke’s name means,

A very helpful friend.

He was a gift from a great companion and has really stuck by me through thick and thick..well that and because he’s a big fat teddy.

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Hello, Hello.

Some time on the tenth of October 2016, I turned 21!

And so started my journey to the future..ish.

For most of us coming of age is a wonderful experience to behold. I, on the contrary, was a little smashed into pieces.

Why – you ask?

Jumping the bridge of long winded explanations – anything close to my world crashing down will suffice.


So on the night of my birthday shabang, I took a moment and realized I had wonderful people surrounding me, but then it hit me. The hardest part wasn’t smiling with everyone (as if all was well that ends well), the hardest part was figuring out life when that party was over.

There I was, at twenty-one with not much but a journal in hand and a pen to show for it. I hadn’t a clue who I was or in fact who I had become.


So long story short, alot happened in the year 2016 that I haven’t yet come to understand. By the end of it, I just knew that I had turned twenty-one and everything had changed (& ladies, I mean everything).

So join me as I cruise the waves of life that sometimes refresh and other times come crashing down on you like a giant tsunami.

Oh to be twenty one.. it’s gonna be a hell of a ride but in the famous words of Buzz Lightyear:

To infinity and beyond!