Lately, I have come to discover a little truth about my current self. That truth is:
I’m still overboard.
And by that, I mean I am still working through the mess left behind from my recent conundrums in life. In my current state of being, I have acknowledged that I am not perfection – yes. But it is that sort of acknowledgement that strengthens me, motivates me and pushes my twenty-one year old self to get better and be better. Unwrapping herself from longings of the past is a skill, amongst others, she is just about beginning to master. There is still, in me, a lust for things of the flesh. I say this from my Christian standpoint of honouring God through my life. My thoughts long for more than that which I have access to.
Recently, however, I’ve felt God calling me to embark on the Daniel fast,
Straight from Wikipedia:
The Daniel Fast is a spiritually motivated diet based on the Biblical Book of Daniel, and commonly refers to a 10- or 21-day abstinence from foods declared unclean by God in the Laws of Moses
Now I must admit, I am still an infant with respect to fasting. (On that note too, I wish my Muslim friends all over the world a peaceful Ramadan). I personally struggle with the whole no eating thing. I know many people who can definitely go on a dry fast (abstaining from food or liquid) with ease and no problems at all. Unlike so, being called to the Daniel fast, for me, is a healthy and do-able challenge. Within this fast, I feel God will cleanse me not just physically (I actually eat a load, a LOAD of crap) but also mentally and spiritually. And yet still, I only plan on doing the 10 days. Lol.
Now, I am not ashamed to admit that I need spiritual cleansing. We live in a world in which everything seems to have access to everything. There’s no more consideration for consequences. Life has become so easy to throw away through our – not so – wise choices. And as much as I miss those moments, those moments of pure intoxication, perceived satisfaction and pleasure, I’ve come to note that those feelings that were so heavily associated with it never once sat me down and promised never to forsake me. So in the end, it follows that, that flurry would eventually come to a fizzling end.
I’ve found myself, of late, listening to a podcast called ‘Let My People Think’ by Dr. Ravi Zacharias and on one particular topic, he mentioned something that stuck with me for the rest of my day. He said and I paraphrase,
There is no greater loneliness you feel than that associated with the regret of indulging in something that promised you so much fulfilment and joy, which ends up failing to deliver
It transported my mind and brought me to (no cliche intended) the lowest point in my life where I found myself the loneliest in my own presence. That person could not bear herself in the silence. Now one could argue one is the loneliest number anyway, but if a young woman cannot first learn to enjoy her own company, she will always depend unhealthily on others, especially those of romantic interest, to constantly fill the gap between herself and whoever it is she wants to become.
During those periods, the remnants of which I am working through now, I sobbed to myself countless times. After all was said, after doing all the things that I thought were worth the thrill, I spilled over myself and became paralysed with regret. I was alone with myself yet again – seeing my actions did not bring me to ultimate fulfilment at all. I knew, also, that the God that I believe in and love quite a bit did not co-sign my life at that particular point in time. But yet still, in many ways, he was in control, holding me up from falling into the deepest parts of my depths.
So finding myself overboard and trying to climb myself back isn’t the baddest thing at this point in the journey. I am sinking no more.
In the end, my health may fail me, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.