Abba/ἀββα is a Greek word.
Translated it means,
But I’d like to think it more intimate. Because there exists, enough words in the Greek vocabulary for ‘father’.
Abba, ἀββα seems so infantile. It calls out to trust. Unshaken in its own vulnerability. Whether inhaling or exhaling, whether I runneth over, whether I have nothing left it is, but one, of the very few words I find myself breathing out without labour for air in my lungs. And lately, in the secret world of my own ponderings on which I have become fixated and accustomed, I find myself in a place where I am vacating the past in order to live in the present. So, in all honesty, ἀββα is my only solace.
I am in a process. A process of excavation. In a place where I’ve got to dig out old feelings, preserved and fossilised over time from, once, just mere acquaintances and now, into very familiar friends. I’m finally to let go of all the ‘stuff’. Those longings that shaped my twenty-year-old self so reprehensively in the past. That which forced me out of ἀββα’s will into my own. I’m making way for new ground. New foundations.
Unfortunately, however, the days don’t simply go by without the plough of soil, raking up ancient artefacts hidden beneath the vast outstretch that is my mind. So I admit, every now and then, I take a walk across and look around, receiving all it has to offer.
Looking further out, however, I know there is a home out there waiting for me, planted outside this desolate land.
I have very few regrets.
At twenty-one, I’ve realised that I am a writer. That is not to say it comes very easy.
I have just come about finishing the reading of a novel, Americanah. In the end, I was insatiably turning pages expecting to continue the more – only to find myself at the inevitable.
Coming to the close of the novel, the heroine of the story; Ifemelu, finds herself in an old place, with her same old and recognisable self – yet, settled in a new place, fitted into new skin, discovering herself afresh at the very beginning. Again.
Perhaps it is this kind of old new beginning my twenty-one-year-old self has settled into so determinedly.