Twenty year old me didn’t expect to lose me, but she did.

She knew a lot about keeping things safe but what she didn’t know was this: protecting something meant you kept it locked in your heart and you threw away the key. So it’s clear she didn’t truly love me anyway. She lay me on her chest during her nightly talks with God and didn’t really understand what it meant to hold fast to what was dear.

So when trials and temptations came, the truth is, twenty-year-old me never experrered it. Her actions became alien and I don’t blame her because I probably would have done the same. She took each day within its stride and she vowed never to give up on her saviour. She loved till it hurt and cried till there were no more tears. She prayed till her voice no longer made a sound and she pursued God like life itself depended on it – because it did.

She loved to be caressed and shown beautiful things. She loved coffee on a cold day. She loved fashion, long train rides, warm dinners and her carpet rug.

She sat naked in God’s presence and learnt to be unashamed.

Losing me meant she lost control, but losing control meant she found him. Because twenty-year-old me drew herself closer to him in her brokenness – in her nakedness, and he made her realise she could no longer play the puppeteer. He took her hand and showed her dreams. He spoke to her scars and protected her eyes to the ugly hidden inside. He never gave up on her but lovingly pushed her out into the cold.  And when she was finally numb, he clothed her with his sacrifice.

Twenty-one-year old me has no clue, the daily battles she had to face, but here’s to her:

To breaking through walls and shattering glass, to weathering the heat and running across the battlefield that waged war against her mind, to enduring through the sorrow and standing her ground despite the war-torn zone in her heart. To clutching herself off of the floor and picking up the rocks she tripped on, to give us raw materials from which to build our skyscraper.

We owe it to twenty year old me, because, through it all, she never once held up a white flag.


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